Alan’s Perverted Musings – August Edition

It’s time for the monthly edition of Alan’s perverted musings. Although this may have to take a hiatus as the chances for chatting with Alan online after this month are far less. Ah well, again, if you don’t like to read perverted things, I suggest you skip this entry! Otherwise, enjoy~

Alan: well, i realized today that people born in 1994 are now old enough to be porn stars
Alan: and wow that made me feel old

Alan: i actually remember the circumstances of my first ever porn search
Alan: well, before, i had read a novel that had some sex scenes in it, plus i had been in sex ed and stuff
Alan: so i knew the theoretical knowledge
Alan: but i had no idea what the female private parts actually looked like, and i was very curious
Alan: so… fired up yahoo and searched for it
Alan: i remember not finding much very helpful that day

Alan: pretty soon i’ll be hunched in my den, all by myself, with no contact with the outside world
Alan: and my life will be a constant stream of porn and high calorie foods
Alan: until i die and the smell becomes overwhelming, and the police finally break down my door and find my decaying corpse amidst piles of food and erotic DVDs, and conclude i died of autoerotic overeating

Talking about seeing the dentist at night…
Alan: yeah, but do i really want a guy who’s only staying awake through excess caffeine to be rooting around in my mouth with a drilling device?
xlisapoox: yes?
Alan: … apparently i’m more selective than you regarding what implements go in my mouth
xlisapoox: u just had to phrase it that way, didnt u
Alan: sorry, lemme phrase that
Alan: apparently i’m more selective than you regarding the guys who get to stick stuff in my mouth

Alan: but yes, my personal experience is that a guy’s boner can be pretty damn hard

Alan: it’s just something women can’t comprehend
Alan: you don’t know what it’s like to be driven by a primal urge to mate
Alan: everything we do, EVERYTHING, is to enable sex
Alan: some people say eat to live, don’t live to eat. we eat to live so we can have sex
Alan: we get jobs so we can earn money so we can spend it on convincing women to have sex with us
Alan: we improve our physical fitness and attractiveness so women will have sex wit hus
Alan: we read books and ponder philosophy because some women are into that
Alan: seriously. everything we do.
Me: maybe yooou but are u sure that aplies to all males
Alan: yes
Alan: even if it occurs on a subconscious level

Alan: i just went to talk to the consistently scantiliest-clad girl in our office. i wish i could sit closer to her
xlisapoox: did u enjoy the view
Alan: i did
Alan: as i said to someone else, her outfit today isn’t really all that different from every other day
Alan: but that’s a good thing, from my perspective
Alan: especially if my perspective is elevated
Alan: i stared at her cleavage the whole time i was talking about work issues. the angle made it plausible i was looking at her face
Alan: i’m surprised my brain had enough brainpower left to talk about work, given how hard it was processing the boobies