Alan’s Perverted Musings

Woo! This has been one heck of a long blog hiatus. Can’t really say life got in the way, but I guess I was all blogged out for a while. Now I shall attempt to get back into it again. And what better way to return with more perverted musings from my friend, Alan! These were made last September. Between then and now, there has surprisingly been not as many perverted conversations. Probably due to him being too focused on his wedding planning!

Alan: supposing you’re in a situation where you and a close male friend are in constant danger and could die at any time. for example, you’re both on the run from assassins, or maybe there’s a war going on and you might get shelled at any minute, or there’s some sort of deadly airborne disease
Alan: and the close male friend requests physical intimacy
Alan: what would you say?
xlisapoox: currently i would say hell no
xlisapoox: but if during such a situation, who knows
xlisapoox: you would do it, wouldnt u
Alan: psht, i’d do it whether or not my life’s in danger. with men, women, or even reasonably well groomed livestock

xlisapoox: i think my english has gotten worse
Alan: it probably has
Alan: due to exposure to bad english all the time
Alan: this is why i read voraciously, to expose myself to more good english
xlisapoox: what do u read
Alan: porn
xlisapoox: ……………………

Alan: you know, i’ve been thinking
xlisapoox: oh realli? have u now
Alan: why don’t history books have sex scenes in them?
Alan: i mean, there were a lot of historically significant figures
xlisapoox: but was sex an important part?
Alan: some of them had children. at the very least, their parents must have done the deed
Alan: well, at least as important as some of the minor stuff that goes into history books
Alan: for example, lots of history books like to dwell on why John Hancock signed his name in such big letters on the declaration of independence
Alan: well, why doesn’t any history book examine the size of John Hancock’s… well…
Alan: anyway
Alan: i think it’d make the study of history much more interesting
Alan: in fact, i think many fields would become more interesting with the addition of sex scenes, but history’s one of the few fields where it’s possible
Alan: it’s not like you can insert smut into a physics text book
Alan: “the electron spun around the nucleus faster and faster, gradually gaining momentum and velocity”
Alan: see? not sexy
Alan: chemistry might work
Alan: “the sodium frothes around in the water upon contact, releasing heat and gasses”

Alan: whenever i see an attractive female in the elevator coming up, i always hope she’s a colleague i don’t know yet, or she’s coming for an interview with us. it never happens though.
Alan: this disappoints me
Alan: for about 30 seconds
Alan: though it’s disheartening when, in the crowded elevator, the female might back up until she bumps into me, and then she glances back over her shoulder at me, notices i’m a disgusting male, and then deliberately inches forward so she doesn’t have to have any more physical contact with me
Alan: understandable, but disheartening nonetheless
xlisapoox: i dont think it’s u … i think in general people dont like to touch other people?
xlisapoox: it’s ab personal space
Alan: oh
Alan: i like touching people 😦
xlisapoox: u mean pretty girls
Alan: and hot guys
xlisapoox: u like to touch hot guys?
Alan: yes
Alan: yes i do

Alan: also, i bought a new game in which i can beat people to death with a giant dildo
Alan: so, there’s that
xlisapoox: seriously?
Alan: yes
Alan: it’s called Saints Row: The Third
Alan: and one of the weapons in it is a metal bat with a rubber coating that’s shaped like a phallus
Alan: so when you hit someone with it, it does the damage of a bat
Alan: but, well, it’s a giant rubber dildo
xlisapoox: sounds like a fun game
Alan: it is!
Alan: i played the demo, got to the dildo part, and immediately bought the game